Thoughtful

I've been thinking lately about what I would like to do for a job, what would make me happy. I'm unsure of what that would be past staying in the education system. I feel secure and safe in that environment, and love the teachers I've come to befriend. I only know for sure that I want to take care of others, to make their lives easier or happier in some tiny way. Money has little consequence to me, and as much as I am able I would like to give it to others who need it more. I've tossed around the idea of maybe later in life when I have an actual income that I might sponsor immigrant children of poorer countries, though what I truly would like to do is adopt Korean girl twins. I don't care for the thought of being pregnant and I want to give these possible little girls a chance to have a home for a variety of reasons that they did not get the first time around.

It's become a running joke with my family and Erika of all the goofy situations that would happen with the little Korean girls. My Dad jokes that he'll live on my backyard in a mother in law house and string zip line cables from my house to his, and that the little girls would go flying along them. I said that he would make it so the little girls were pretend fight like in those really low grade Asian movies where they're fighting on the tree tops and when they dub English over the original film their mouths keep moving after the English has stopped. Or how I'd have Erika dress up in her most punk outfit, take a picture and then make it poster size so she could sign it and fool the little girls into thinking she was a famous musician I became friends with. I laugh because the second pretend idea could be accomplished a lot easier then the first by a large margin.

I've become so pleasantly wrapped up in this idle daydream that these imaginary girls feel partially real to me. I've even found a couple of hanboks on Etsy if this dream ever comes true. But of course it wouldn't be so without the playful attitude of my Dad and Erika. I even got to brush my favorite gal's hair in study hall on Friday seeing as she has it grown out to her waist. She laughed that I still had my mind set on my Korean girls, and I joked that I would have my little girls have their hair as long as hers so I could brush it out as I did with her. Realistically not at all a good idea for toddlers but I can pretend in my mind at least.

And I didn't realize until last night how isolated I've made myself. I had to cut out a group of people who shun and wounded me, and it hurt. I was abandoned and pathetically I tried to re-establish connection with the one guy who started it all, I wanted reassure that despite his humiliation he still considered me a friend. He, his girlfriend, and another friend wounded me deeply when they made the show that this wasn't the case, and now two months later does he talk to me like nothing ever happened. I talk to them but it won't be like it was before. They won't be a part of my life, and I won't do anything to help them. After that I had my online friends and Erika who lives five hours away from me. I apologize but that isn't enough. And it's none of their fault they can't help they live where they live, and I could stop being a self-pitying fool and make an effort to interact with others, establish some new friendships. But instead I've just isolated myself in my room using music, and fanfiction to comfort myself and not make any sort of change.

No doubt why I can't stand to listen to other people talk about their problems. It all seems like such an easy fix, and the dramatic self pity is tiring, myself included. So I've retreated into my head when I'm home to think of fanfics, and turned my focus when in school to building close bonds with my teachers along with going all out in gym class. I had forgotten how refreshing and vitalizing working out can be, I've let myself become lethargic for too long, my body is sore all over. But god do I feel good and I look with relish to just getting up and moving.