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December 22, 2012
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Hush my sweetheart,
Please stop crying
I can't stand the sound.
My skin crawls at your painful noises
As I see your face
Red from your screams

If only you will be quiet,
If only you will be a good baby,

I can't seem to quiet you
No pacifier will pacify your cries
And gentle bouncing only brings shrieks,

I lay you down in your crib
To let my weary arms be rid
Of your heavy squirming weight
And retreat to the hallway to pace.

Surely you'll stop if left alone,
But as soon as I am free from you
And your ear bursting shrieks
I long to hold you
To try and soothe your crying

But you don't want me,
Your scrunched up face
And fierce wriggling
Tell me as much,
As you squall
In terror or hate I do not know,
As you fight against me.

I cannot handle this,
The one who I nurtured within me
My precious baby that made it out alive,
Is rejecting me


I should have never become a mother,
I thought I could handle it all
But my nerves
Snapped,
Under the weight of your unyielding wails

And you proved to be all the crueler
By quieting in Daddy's arms
When you would do no such thing for me
You even smiled and cooed up at him.

I wish to hate you
To strike and shake you
For not loving me but him
It was I who you leeched off of
You who took my remaining youth and bones

But...

I cannot hate you
You are mine
And seeing you held in my love's arms
Cooing and content
Brings me the joy
I cannot seem to give you.

I see now that I must leave,
I need to get away
And clear my head,
Collect the pieces
You've shaken out of place in me,
Before I can take up your weight,
And willingly settle the yoke
Of parenthood back on my shoulders.
Listening to Das Alte Leid, and towards the ending of the song there's a baby crying loudly. As I listened my skin crawled at the child's fierce crying, both in want to get away from the sound and to comfort the child.

A poem quickly dashed out, not a best of mine

edit: So after so many generous critiques I went back and did a major overhaul on the poem. I hope now it better and lives up to expectations.
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:iconinferno54:
The message stands clear in the poem, but one must feel some angst against such a mother unprepared for the burden she pushed upon herself.
There's not much technique to be seen, and there's a ton of parenting poems out there dealing with babies needs. However, the impact you give it is spot on. I get the feeling of dread that the mother will truly leave. Because she cannot stand the baby's cries. She sounds like the type of unfit mother who would leave her family behind in pursuit of calmer worlds.
When one signs the eternal contract of parenthood, they must be aware of the fine print of what they've been bonded to in their blood. Patience and levelheadedness is required of fit parents. I feel a sense of dread for the baby. The mother's nerves cannot handle cries, what would happen, should she stay, when the child grows, becomes obnoxious in the 'terrible twos'? Would she leave to gather her nerves again? Or would she be pushed beyond that? Could the poem be the insight into the beginning of an abusive parent?
The poem itself has so much potential to grow into something more. Better or worse. But as it is it falls short. With some added work, it could be great.
One way to add more value to the poem without vastly expanding on the inner turmoil of the mother and what it could grow to, is better sensory details. Description, description, description. It's key in writing.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconwinterkate:
(for SWH's critique contest)

What you've got here is a really interesting concept. So often there are poems penned from a child's perspective wondering why their parent(s) abandoned them; I like how you've flipped it and showed the point-of-view of a stressed-out, world-weary suburban housewife instead. Four hundred life points for making her simply weak instead of somehow incapacitated (the cancer is growing stronger, my parents don't approve of the marriage and I'm young, I got hit by a bus and will see you in heaven, etc.) The concept of this is accessible, ubiquitous, and not often addressed. It's brilliant.
But. (And this is a critique, there has to be a but somewhere!) Your technique could use a bit of work. Now, I love the description 'her nerves are easily snapped'. That's gorgeous. I think you should consider using more of that unique descriptive imagery in the poem. Maybe shae things up grammatically and try a few different line break structures (hush/sweetheart pleasedon'tcry, I/CAN'T STAND/the painful breath/out of your hungry mouth) Again, you've got lovely concept here and when you delve into unique imagery it's gorgeous. And I think - and you don't have to take any of this as law, it's just what I think - you could really improve this poem by adding a little more of that gorgeous unique imagery and messing around a bit with the structure.
What do you think?
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:iconinferno54:
Inferno54 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
The poem has been beautifully recreated, Your technique vastly improved from the original. I'd definitely rate higher on this version, roughly 4-4.5 stars. The mothers character and frustration is so much more beautifully detailed. The struggle so much more clear. Your message can now stick. I suggest you seriously consider what these critiques have said when writing other poems. Just think of the things they mentioned as you write. I believe it's the constructive criticism that provides the reinforcement you need to push yourself farther, spend your intellect into your work, and bring forth some truly great poetry. If you manage to take yourself a level further, you might manage to become a published poet. Once you work your technique to a second nature, and use your description more effectively and consistantly, I suggest submitting a few poems to magazines. Be prepared for the rejection slips, and let that drive you to improve until you finally get published. (I'm actually reffering to ME ME ME ME ME not a novel by M.E. Kerr a bit here... I really suggest the read, it's rather short.) It could show you a thing or two about what it takes to get published. Again, good work on recreating. Keep improving
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:iconwithinmeloveresides1:
withinmeloveresides1 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Student Writer
I will look more deeply into my other poems and keep these critiques in mind. I would eventually like to publish my poetry though that might not be until I'm in my late twenties or thirties. But just the thought of having poetry in circulation with and just as Till does is an amazing thought :love:

I will have to check that book out. I will do so when we come back from break.
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:iconkatkinn:
Katkinn Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, those critiques were brilliantly detailed. They made me go and evaluate my OWN writing!
I definitely feel the frustration of the mother as she tries to gather her nerves. I wish I'd seen the old version, so I could see the changes you made.
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:iconwithinmeloveresides1:
withinmeloveresides1 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Student Writer
Definitely join SuperWritersHelp if you want critiques! As you saw they do a magnificent job.

lol I don't know if you would have wanted to see the old version, it was pitiful in comparsion. I could note you the old one if you would like. I'm sure it's in my notebook somewhere
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:iconkatkinn:
Katkinn Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, I will :)

Oh, you don't have to go to those lengths xD I'll just enjoy this version :D
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:iconwithinmeloveresides1:
withinmeloveresides1 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
lol alrighty!
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