Sta.sh
Hush my sweetheart,
Please stop crying
I can't stand the sound.
My skin crawls at your painful noises
As I see your face
Red from your screams
If only you will be quiet,
If only you will be a good baby,
I can't seem to quiet you
No pacifier will pacify your cries
And gentle bouncing only brings shrieks,
I lay you down in your crib
To let my weary arms be rid
Of your heavy squirming weight
And retreat to the hallway to pace.
Surely you'll stop if left alone,
But as soon as I am free from you
And your ear bursting shrieks
I long to hold you
To try and soothe your crying
But you don't want me,
Your scrunched up face
And fierce wriggling
Tell me as much,
As you squall
In terror or hate I do not know,
As you fight against me.
I cannot handle this,
The one who I nurtured within me
My precious baby that made it out alive,
Is rejecting me
I should have never become a mother,
I thought I could handle it all
But my nerves
Snapped,
Under the weight of your unyielding wails
And you proved to be all the crueler
By quieting in Daddy's arms
When you would do no such thing for me
You even smiled and cooed up at him.
I wish to hate you
To strike and shake you
For not loving me but him
It was I who you leeched off of
You who took my remaining youth and bones
But...
I cannot hate you
You are mine
And seeing you held in my love's arms
Cooing and content
Brings me the joy
I cannot seem to give you.
I see now that I must leave,
I need to get away
And clear my head,
Collect the pieces
You've shaken out of place in me,
Before I can take up your weight,
And willingly settle the yoke
Of parenthood back on my shoulders.
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The first thing I looked at, as with most pieces, is the title. I don't feel that it is hooky enough, especially as it is the beginning line of your poem as well. I would try find something that explains the poem without giving away the story, yet is hooky enough to make readers sit up and say, 'ooh, I want to read this'.
The second thing I noticed is that you need a bit more punctuation. There are times when the enjambment works, but you must remember that a line break is not synonymous with a pause or comma. So in some instances you need to add the comma to make the lines make sense because they don't flow into each other. An example would be stanza one where a comma should probably come between 'quiet' (L2) and 'if only' (L3).
I must say that when you mention 'mama can't handle it' I fully expected shaken baby syndrome, but I'm glad you didn't go that route.
You start with 'my' (first person) and then about half-way through you switch to 'her' (third person). I would try and keep it the same, either start with "Mama's skin crawls'" or change the third person to first person throughout the entire piece.
I am unsure in the final stanza as to whether the mother simply leaves the room or leaves the family. You only say 'go away' so that could mean either. I like this, as it adds an element of mystery to your piece. Again, though, this stanza needs punctuation badly.
I think you have described post-natal depression in the final stanza, and I think you have done it justice without being overly dramatic.
Overall a good piece.
Jo
What you've got here is a really interesting concept. So often there are poems penned from a child's perspective wondering why their parent(s) abandoned them; I like how you've flipped it and showed the point-of-view of a stressed-out, world-weary suburban housewife instead. Four hundred life points for making her simply weak instead of somehow incapacitated (the cancer is growing stronger, my parents don't approve of the marriage and I'm young, I got hit by a bus and will see you in heaven, etc.) The concept of this is accessible, ubiquitous, and not often addressed. It's brilliant.
But. (And this is a critique, there has to be a but somewhere!) Your technique could use a bit of work. Now, I love the description 'her nerves are easily snapped'. That's gorgeous. I think you should consider using more of that unique descriptive imagery in the poem. Maybe shae things up grammatically and try a few different line break structures (hush/sweetheart pleasedon'tcry, I/CAN'T STAND/the painful breath/out of your hungry mouth) Again, you've got lovely concept here and when you delve into unique imagery it's gorgeous. And I think - and you don't have to take any of this as law, it's just what I think - you could really improve this poem by adding a little more of that gorgeous unique imagery and messing around a bit with the structure.
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